Hmmmmm

The Stars

I feel as if I am on the verge of something, on the verge of knowing if I can have a life here. I almost have friends I almost have a routine I almost have a sense of familiarity. Roads, landmarks, directions are becoming increasingly familiar. The woman at the gas station, the guys at the library, the manager at the Family Dollar.

Tonight I saw the stars.

Money is still hard. I get food stamp benefits and that is hard. Knowing that so many of the people I know disapprove of government financial assistance. I say to myself, "My situation is different because I'm helping people and it's only temporary and your tax money already pays my living allowance and I paid lots of taxes for years myself." But really, my work is no better than that of the single mom working at McDonalds and getting EBT. She helps you get that Big Mac. She helps stimulate the economy. You make sure her kids get enough nutrition. We all have different ideas of the best way to help people, of the best way for people to lift themselves up by their bootstraps. If they can only get so high, why should they live less of a life than anyone else? Too little space to give this line of thought the full teasing out it deserves. It's never as simple as it should be.

The hardest part is that I get enough money that I could keep going to Kroger, with its decent prices and good quality products. But when I can, I instead go to Family Dollar and Save-a-Lot and Dollar General and Dollar Tree, where no one looks at me sidewise when I use my EBT card, the American flag waving bravely on it, reminding me of how priveleged I am to live in this country, to be supported by this thoughtful democratic society where we all have the right to the American dream. Stars and stripes.

My headlight went out again and tomorrow I will buy another and try to do a better job of making sure it doesn't fall out of place and burn more wires and blow itself out. I like getting grease on my hands and solving these problems I am not at all qualified to deal with. People are embarrassed of my car for me but I love it. It's mine.

The Reclamation of the Golden Shoes

Hands - Jewel