Weariness

Each day, I'll have at least one moment of panic, thinking about the things left undone, the people I'll probably never see again, the experiences I won't get to have, etc. And each day, I'll have at least one moment of panic, thinking about how I can't wait to get the hell out of this city!

I went shopping this morning: a friendly church yard sale, a not-so-friendly Macy's sale, and a friendly Craigslist sale. By 1 PM I was pretty much done for the day. I didn't get as much packed as I would have liked but I find myself again excited by the prospects of what the future holds.

I'm low on cash, someone ate my corn chips, and I can't seem to get out of bed...but there is hope.

Is this what's in store?

In a couple of recent discussions about racism and how my time in New York has influenced my thinking on the subject, I've mentioned that upon first arriving in New York, I was annoyed by those who bemoaned racial inequalities in the City, and specifically in NYU. I rolled my eyes and declared, "What racism?" What's amazing is that the lack of in-your-face or thinly, thinly veiled behind you're-smarter-than-most-niggers smiles, made me much more acutely aware of the more subtle ways in which racism manifests itself within individuals and the not-so-subtle way it's permeated almost every system in society. I won't even get started on the oblique racial tensions in certain neighbourhoods.

Now, however, with my increased sensitivity to racism, I am finding myself less steeled against the way it manifests itself in normal, less-liberal societies, where apparently the ideas liberals have about all-Republicans being racists is generally accepted - especially by Republicans. While browsing the Rants and Raves section (one of my favorite NYC Craigslist sections) of the Cincinnati Craigslist, I found a plethora of posts specifically about interracial dating and race in general. Here are some of the gems.

• "you give the nasty nigger's everything and they use you up and throw you away and then you wonder why you can't come back to the hard working, respectful white men in your neighborhood. they are carrier monkey's. they spread disease and you are the plight of our community.this madness need's to stop!"
  
• "i said well, really my friends are republicans, i know its a long word, but they arent libs and definitely would not enjoy a ball game loaded with ACLU lovers and libs like rosie o donnel all over the place etc...i said im simply saying that civil rights although beneficial for some and for good reasons, is really set up for the litigation happy jews to pounce on hardworking civil servants like cops that risk theyre lives in the ghettos and get sued for millions. i advised both wiggerettes, i said listen, the civil rights have benefited the jew lawyers more than anyone as they love excessive force cases!"
  

Remembering

I've found myself being overwhelmed with stress as I prepare for the move. More than anything, the issue of money is pounding at my temples, constantly hammering at my consciousness. I alternate between useless worry and blind carelessness. I was in the process of skimming a daily devotional when the Lord spoke to my heart to tell me to stop and take the time to hear what He had to say to me. The prayer that was posted not only forced me to be thankful for what I do have, but forced me to remember that I will be OK, that I do have a responsibility to make wise decisions, and that I have to constantly remind myself that this is simply not about me.

Dear Father, Thank you for leading us in Your paths of righteousness. Lord, I know as we seek You, you will give us the answers we need so that we might prosper and be in good health. Lord, we need strength and health to be able to serve You and help others. Thank You for prosperity so that we are able to give to help those who are poor and needy. Show us the people we need to help. Give us prayers for the lost, hurting and needy. Prayers just cost us our time. Let us be willing to take the time to pray, to give and to reach out to others. I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen.
-From Bible.com

25 and I'm already too old...

DO YOU BELONG IN NYC?
Only until you age out.
Sorry to say it, but you're a temporary New Yorker. Sure, this city is awesome for running around and enjoying your youth, but you came here to work and play hard and plan on jetting at the first signs of crow's feet or when your parents stop financing that party lifestyle of yours. Plus, if you ever decide to settle down and have kids, there's no way you're bringing them up in a studio. Click here for suggestions about how to really enjoy NYC.

Do you belong in New York City?

Holey

When I first got my "big-person" job at NYU, I went out and treated myself to a $90 pair of jeans from Urban Outfitters. The material was softer than my other jeans, the dye expertly faded. Three weeks from today, I will be leaving New York, my job, this life I've spent nearly 7 years creating for myself, to move on to something new. Today, I got a hole in my $90 jeans. It was fitting.

Why This Job is Worth It

They showed this video today during my training and there were more than a few teary eyes in the room. It was a strong affirmation that I was making the right choice by working for Safe Place.

When to Jump

My mom decided she wanted to skydive for her 50th birthday. Unfortunately, the weekend we were supposed to go, she was sick and it was raining. So we rescheduled for this past weekend.

I was exhausted the day of the jump. I had just spent 23 hours on a Greyhound and knew we would be on the road again the following day to drive up to Kentucky to check out the town where I will soon be moving to. Plus, I didn't want to think about the fact that I would jumping out of an airplane. (Please note that I am the person who hates roller coasters.) I downed a can of Monster to try to get my adrenaline pumping, to get psyched and match my mom's energy. (I got less grumpy but not very hyped.)

When I met John, the gentleman to whom I would be strapped for the jump, a lot of my tension disappeared. He immediately reminded me of Owen Wilson (or a smarter version of Hansel) and this faux sense of familiarity made me immediately trust the fact that he clearly knew what he was doing. Even the lines he repeated to both my mom and I were evidence of the fact that this was routine. Routine was good. And as were all heading up in the crowded little airplane...I felt comforted by his presence.

I changed my mind! my mom yelled as it was her turn to fall out of the plane. I recognized that tone of hers, the joke told to indicate the truth of her emotions. Out she went.

When it was my turn at the edge, I tried to remember what John told me to do. Got on my knees, lifted my hands back, waited for him to count "1...2..3..jump!" I don't think he counted. I think he pushed me off. But there I was hurtling towards the earth and those first few seconds were some of the scariest of my life...until I realized it was no more scary than being on a roller coaster. After those first few seconds of horror, I felt more relaxed than I ever have.

It never gets old, John said wistfully once the parachute was up and I could breathe like a normal person.

Would you do it again? he asked once we landed.

Yes! I replied truthfully with as much enthusiasm as I could muster to make it clear I was being honest.

In the days that followed, driving through Kentucky and Ohio, thinking about my future, I considered my skydiving future. Would I get to go back to the Atlanta Skydiving Center for another tandem dive within the next year? Isn't the next natural step learning to jump on my own...?

Oh, how I want to be that person: like the young student on the plane who launched herself forward over the edge, like the old pro who can bring the parachute sideways, spinning like a merry-go-round. But I don't trust myself as much as I trusted that stranger. And maybe that is what this is about: learning foremost to trust fully in God, and through Him learning to trust that I have strengths and abilities that I can sharpen and hone to one day be able to jump all by myself.